There’s a pervasive idea that to better yourself, to re-invent yourself, to change means that you have to do more, learn more, or be more. I’m sure we’ve all felt the pressure to add something new to improve ourselves. 

I admit that I used to think that was true. I truly believed at one point that re-invention inherently meant that you needed to add something new. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I don’t think it is. 

So I’m sharing my stance. Re-invention isn’t about addition. It’s about subtraction. The re-invention isn’t about adding more, it’s about removing the pieces of armour that you’ve carrying that aren’t really yours. 

The re-invention fairytale

Recently, while I was thinking about re-invention, as I’ve been doing a lot of self re-invention this year, I thought about Shrek and the whole idea that ogres are like onions because they have layers. And how in the movie, Shrek spends all of this time adding more armour and more layers of protection, and the beauty of his love story with Fiona is that at the end, they both strip away the layers that aren’t really them, and they live happily ever after. 

But life isn’t a fairytale 

As much as I wish I knew that stripping away the layers would lead to a happily ever after, I couldn’t be certain. And subtraction can feel scary (and not just because it’s math). We add the layers of armour as often as the result of the negative experiences we’ve had. Maybe you were told you asked too many questions, or talked too much, or were a know-it-all and every time you heard one of those types of comments, it hurt. So you added a new piece of armour to change who you are and protect those wounds. 

And decades later, you’re a strong, smart, and capable person, who is successful and at least from the outside might look like you could accomplish anything you put your mind to. I’d venture a guess, that it doesn’t always feel like that internally though. I know it didn’t for me.

And the thought of removing those layers protecting myself from the comments about being too much, was terrifying. I think the biggest fear that I had at least under that was, what if all of the success I had was just layers that weren’t mine? What if I subtract these layers and then what’s left is someone who is just too much for everyone around her. 

And that fear can be paralyzing. I know I felt like a cat who misjudged their pounce onto the couch and spent too much time just trying to hang on for dear life like Mufasa on that cliffside. Thankfully, I had no scar to throw me off that cliff, and instead I had the right people around me to help support me along the way.

What happens when re-invention really is about subtracting

But it’s worth it. Because what you’re releasing during a re-invention isn’t just “limiting beliefs” or “negative thought patterns,” it’s more than that. It’s letting go of an identity that was only ever borrowed, like a pair of shoes that might be super cute, but are half a size too small. You can technically wear them, but they’re not particularly comfortable. And for a long time you might wear those shoes, especially if you were complimented on them, just like you’d keep a coping mechanism that became a personality trait if it was something that others praised. 

And as cute as those shoes were, going back to the pair that are already moulded to your feet perfectly, feel great, and are completely, 100% you? That just feels different. 

For me, this year is a year of re-invention. Through my life, I’ve put on many pairs of shoes that were complimented by others, but never truly felt like mine. And this is the year, I decided I didn’t want to wear uncomfortable shoes anymore. And really, I’m not talking about shoes here, I’m talking about removing those layers of armour I put up as protection, the things that I thought other people wanted me to be.

So I’ve stripped away the things that weren’t mine (and there’s far more than I anticipated if I’m being completely honest). And I wasn’t left with nothing. I wasn’t even left with what I feared (which was that at my core I was still a 7 year old being told to stop talking so much because no one wanted to hear my questions). I was left with something that somehow feels new and yet intimately familiar. I’m more recognizably myself than I’ve been in years.

So, if you’ve been doing the personal development, personal growth thing in an effort to re-invent yourself, and it’s not working quite the way you’d like? Why not try something different? Maybe the question isn’t what do I need to acquire next? Maybe, just maybe, the question what am I carrying that isn’t even mine?

If you suspect the thing you’ve been circling isn’t actually about adding more, and you want someone to help you find out what actually isn’t yours (even if it is cute), that’s the work I do. I offer Threshold Clarity Sessions. It’s one 90 minute session where we name what’s actually happening and you leave with a personalized report.